Jokes between the sexes....
A young fellow was about to be married and was
asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how
often you should have it. His grandfather told
him that when you first get married, you want it
all the time ... and maybe do it several times a
day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it
once a week or so. Then as you get older, you
have sex maybe once a month. When you get really
old, you are lucky to have it once a year... maybe
on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well
how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral
sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow
asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in
her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And
she yells, 'Fuck You,' and I holler back, 'Fuck
You too.'"
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl
notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box
of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes
later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your
wife?"
"You see it's like this." He says. "Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
paper.
So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE !"
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of,
old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the
human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by
a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The
preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there
somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after service, the
preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big
truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed
by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many
times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter
you know. "
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with
two maybe three different broads a week."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro
over there, goodbye."
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat
on your wife?"
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did
cheat on my wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron,
goodbye."
He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times
did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that
over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In
fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I
remained celibate the whole time!"
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is
that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob
at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives
a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice
that he is sobbing like a baby.
Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying!
We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"
Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a
skateboard!"
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.." !!
Three couples got into some trouble at their church and the penence
was decided that each couple had to go 3 months without sex.
After the 3 months were up, each couple visited their preacher.
In the interview with the first couple, the preacher asked "How did
you do?" "Well," the couple said, "we are getting older, so we didn't
really miss it that much." "Welcome back to the church," the preacher
told them.
In the interview with the second couple, the preacher asked "How did
you do?" The couple said, "We had a rough time of it, but we made it
through." "Welcome back to the church," the preacher told them.
In the interview with the third couple, the preacher asked "How did
you do?" "Well," the man said, "The first couple of days were rough.
And, after a week I was shaking so bad that when my wife bent over the
freezer I had to have it right then and there." The preacher said,
"I'm sorry, but you can't come back to the church." The man said,
"That's ok, we're not allowed into the A&P either."
There once was a lady who was tired of living
with men who were either physically abusive,who
ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed.
So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking
for a man who:
1)would treat her nicely
2)wouldn't run away from her,
3)would be good in bed.
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from
any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a
man alive who could live up to these expectations,
so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard
the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on
the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who
didn't have any arms or legs. The man said 'I'm
here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can
see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I
have no legs so I can't run away from you.'
The woman replied, 'Yes, but are you good in
bed?'
And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How
do you think I rang the doorbell?'
A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to
take a shower. her husband is looking for a rake
and can't find it. He yells up to his wife,
'Where's the rake?'
She replies by nodding her arms like she can't
hear. So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions. She replies by;
pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast
,slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. He runs up
stairs and says, 'What?'
She says, 'I left tit behind the bush.'