John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate, Julie, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Mom"
Lesson of the day `... Don't Lie To Your Mother
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just>exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman", the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
Monica Lewinski was out for a walk along the beach when a bottle floated in. She picked it up and gave it a rub and what da ya know, out pops a genie. The genie says its no three wishes for you cause you ain't been to good this year, you only get one wish. So Monica says that she already has fame, and that after this is all over she'll be rich from selling her book, so she thought for a minute and decided she would like to get rid of her love handles,
and her ears fell off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming suit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said, "You know I have a special gift. I can read minds."
"Impossible", said the embarrassed man. "You really know what I think?" "Yes," the lady replied. "Right now I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom on it!!!"
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and makes love with me better than an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love again." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
A man was quietly watching television at home, when he hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo autorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovering unit is on the way and to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this. As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan: 'First I'll climb up there with the ladder, then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat; As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua dog will attack its private parts.'
'When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs.'
'Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...'
Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asks why he was handed the .12 gauge shotgun?
'Well... ' explains the experienced gorilla retriever, 'It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat.
Shoot the dog...'
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: 'Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.'
What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
There were three engineers in a car, an Electrical engineer, A chemical Engineer and a Microsoft Engineer. Suddenly the car just stopped dead by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical Engineer suggests "stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to locate where the fault may of occurred".
The Chemical engineer , not knowing much about cars, suggests that "maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere."
Then, The Microsoft engineer , not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again and maybe it'll work!"
One day Jesus, Moses, and another guy go out and play golf. All three of them hit their ball in the water. Moses then parts the water and goes in and hits his ball into the rough. Jesus then walks out on the water and hits his ball into the rough. The other guy steps up and all of a sudden, an eagle swoops down and catches a fish that spits his ball in the hole. Moses then turns to Jesus and says, 'We aren't playing golf with your dad anymore.'
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at the local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and descided to take a nap, with his back against a tree. As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman - snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature has provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away. Some time later, the Scotman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt....and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsmansaid.... "I don'na know where y'been lad....but it's always nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

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