A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. She brought in a great variety of Lifesavers
candies, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children,
I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these", said the
teacher.
Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of
cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put
honey Lifesavers in their mouths, all of the children were
stumped.
"I'll give you a hint", said the teacher. "It's something your
Mommy probably calls your Daddy all the time".
Instantly, one child spat the Lifesaver candy out of his mouth
and yelled, "Spit 'em out, you guys! They're assholes!"
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah
and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always
willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that
he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he
would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such
good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it.
He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to
take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah
gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets
the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get
something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the
water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm
going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was
suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear,
all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack
of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would
burst out of his chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the
edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no
way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in
rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his
arms, and exclaimed,
"Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air.
Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt
stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said,
"Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...."
TWO MINISTERS died and went to heaven. St. Peter met them at the Pearly
Gates and informed them that the computer was down and they would have
to return to earth until things were up and running again. In return, he
told them they could pick anything they wished to go back to earth as.
The first minister chose to go back as an eagle so that he could soar through
the grand canyon. The second chose to go back as a stud.
Two weeks later when heavens computers were working again, St. Peter asked
the head angel where the two minister were.
"One's flying around the grand canyon," The head angel informed him, "The
others up in Alaska somewhere on a tire."
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long,
after careful consideration,he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items
and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons,
but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on
for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off,
remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love."
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."