A boy that lives on a farm is awakened by his mother early in the
morning on the weekend. She tells him he won't get breakfast until he
does his chores. One of his chores involves feeding all the animals.
While he was feeding the animals he takes out his aggression on some of
them. He kicks a chicken, a cow, and a pig. When he finished his
chores his mother just gives him a bowl of dry cereal. When he asks
why, his mother tells him that he didn't get any milk because he kicked
the cow. He didn't get any eggs because he kicked the chicken and he
didn't get bacon because he kicked the pig. Right then his father comes
in and kicks the cat. The boy looks at his mother and says "Would you
like to tell him or should I?"
A "city-boy" ventured out and bought himself a farm-house.
He needed some animals for the farm and inquired at the
neighbor's place. The old farmer agreed to sell some
animals and the two walked through the yard.
The city-boy pointed and asked, "What kind of animal is
that?"
"Well," said the farmer, "that is a cock, which you city
folks call a rooster."
"Ok, I'll take one of them," said the city boy. He pointed
to another animal, and the farmer told him, "That one is a
pullet, or what you call a chicken."
"I'll take it," said the city boy.
"You will also need a hard working animal to help you with
the chores, so I'll sell you this ass, or mule."
The city-boy agreed.
"The mule might give you problems being stubborn 'n all and
lie down on you," informed the farmer. "If you scratch his
belly really good, he'll get up."
As the city-boy is heading home, a beautiful girl is
approaching. All of a sudden, the mule lies down and
refuses to move. The girl hurries over and asks if she can
help.
"Yeah," exclaimed the city-boy, "You can grab my cock &
pullet while I reach around and scratch my ass.
A ventriloquist cowboy took a walk in the country and
saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Rancher: (Look of extreme shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to
play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the
barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Rancher: (Gesticulating wildly and hardly able to
talk)......"Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars, every
darned one of 'em!!!!
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was
going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become
a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved
in. As it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken
farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken
farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started,
I’ll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the
neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer
said, "Not too well. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said,
"Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my
chickens. I’ll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by
and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, "You’re
not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died
too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong?"
The new farmer said, "Well, I’m not sure whether I’m planting
them too deep or too close together."
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was
hoping he could get a special rooster-one that would service all of his many hens. When he told
this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the
horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he
gave Henry a little pep talk:
"Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the
henhouse.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with
each hen. But, Henry didn't stop there.
Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic
pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with
disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!"
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were
up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling
above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've
gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."
"Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
A farmer decides that his 3 sows should be bred, and contacts his buddy down the road, who owns 3 male pigs. They agree on a stud fee, and the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and brings them down the road to the males. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks the man how he can tell if it 'took' or not. The breeder replies that if, the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't ...
Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling in the mud.
About the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous, AND expensive. You check today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
"Nope." says the wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatos won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and she's getting tired of it.
So she goes to her neighbor and says, ``Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?''
Her neighbor replies, ``Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatos can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.''
Well, what the heck? She does it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
``So-so,'' she answers. ``The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another
hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something...
but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the
other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground...
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that
guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.