A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A
few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to
flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With
that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..........
"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!
A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention.
She has very hairy armpits.
The drunk sees this and yells at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink."
She gets her drink and goes away. Later she returns and raises her arm again.
The drunk sees her and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again. The bartender asks the drunk how he knows she is a ballerina when she was a
stranger and had never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift her leg that high."
A guy walks into a bar at the top floor of large skyscraper and asks for a strong one.
He drinks up and asks for another one. After quite a lot of drinks he walks over to a table where there are two men sitting, talking and drinking.
"I'll bet you guys 5000 bucks I can jump out that window and land safely on street below!"
The two men look at each other then agree to accept the bet.
So the drunk walks to the window and jumps out. The two men can hardly believe their own
eyes when they see him land safely on the street and again enter the building.
"How'd you do it?!" they ask in amazement when he enters the bar again.
"Well, you see." the drunk replies. "There is this ventilation shaft straight below this window,
and the stream of air is so strong, it slows you down enough to land safely on the grid.
Why don't you try it yourselves?"
So, both the men hurry to the window and jump out, facing certain death as they hit the street at
high speed.
At this point, the bartender walks up to the drunk and says:
"You know what, Superman? You can be a real bastard when you're drunk!"
A drunk staggering in the street was struck by a passing car. The driver slammed on the brakes, jumped out and looking back at the drunk shouted, "Look out!"
The drunk raised his head and asked, "Why? You gonna back up?"
A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about 'They took my car!'. Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man.
"What are your car keys doing out?"
"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those ba**ards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!
"OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information. (he stands the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out). Aw s**t mister, your dick is hanging out, would you put that thing away!"
The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an
Irishman walked into a pub together. They
proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just
as they where about to enjoy their creamy
beverage three flies landed in each of their
pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in
disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his
beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had
happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his
drink, held it out over the beer and then
started yelling 'SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU
BASTARD!!!!'